Unable to Sleep

I slept for a couple of hours then woke up hugging my pillow. Scared. I went to bed with long pants and t-shirt on..but before the events of this evening I slept in nothing.

Things inside of me were stirred by the events this evening. I'm feeling violated, scared and confused.

I think that I was abused as a kid and buried it. I somehow think my mother must have known but refused to acknowledge it. All I know is that she never held me or supported (held up for me) when my dad said or did things. It was as if, some things just were..part of being..

I hugged my pillow, cried and tried to figure it all out. I wished I had Teresa to put her arms around me. I thought of D (05SL) and knew she could never..hold me.

I'm a mess. Is this why I had imaginary women loving me (TV stars, pretty and older girls) as a child. They loved me..they were my sort of love I guess.

I woke up at 3:35 AM and all of a sudden it's 5:00 AM. I had to get up. I'm trying to figure it all out.

The events of the evening triggered something deep with inside of me. I was jolted by a raging hormone 15 year old whose father should not have been bringing me amongst the running group because he gets into women's spaces and faces and if eyes could touch you were touched...hands are next I'm sure. He scared me enough where I telephoned an officer. He about did the same to her even so that the father finally noticed and had the jokingly audacity to recommend "just slap him, if he gets to be too much; that should surprise or scare him enough to leave you alone."

Not good enough! I think his father was even part of the reason that I felt so upset with instincts roaring inside to flee. I jumped up and got away from the kid twice...and last Thursday too.

This is not acceptable. R asked if they would see me on Thursday? I had to honestly answer that I didn't know.

I feel violated. I just want to be left alone where it's safe. I was wishing that I would have ran into my neighbor, the social worker. Lately, I am been seeing in, while walking my rottweiler, out of 64,000 in the race for the cure, and this evening while gathering in the park to meet with the group. We said hi and made comments about seeing each other all the time. She went in to change to run. I didn't know she was also a runner. Later I saw her (during the whole thing with "the kid") walking to her car...she ran for a least an hour I guess. I like her. I could have stood to run into her this evening she walking her dog too. I needed to talk. I was upset. But, I didn't see her. I just thought maybe it was karma....

I wonder if things are all beginning to come to the surface. There is a reason why deep down I can't "trust", I moved and didn't inform my family and haven't spoken to them in over a year and do not miss them at all. I don't miss them at all. Doesn't that just tell you a lot?

Hopefully, the mystery gets unraveled. Lou said do not feel bad about feeling the way you do. You intuition told you to get scared this evening.

I can't go back as long as that kid is around. There is something mentally developmentally wrong with him such as autistic with turrets. He burps out and mumbles incoherently when he is standing in front of you close, in your space staring with his hand out, at your breast or any exposed skin.

I felt violated and frightened. Now, I feel drained, empty. The event took everything out of me. I'm a sad depressed shell for now...hopefully I'll feel better. I am practically used to not having anyone to held me and comfort me..so I really can't miss what I never had. Although, Teresa came along, sensed I needed to be held and save my life. It was so wonderful....

Just to feel warm, caring arms around me. Her body so close, her heart. God, I miss her! It was so wonderful to feel loved and cared about...shown love.

I'll be okay. I'll carry on like I have done all my life...but alone in the crowd, untrusting, never really connecting. I'm social to an extent but to frightened to be more and needing love very badly, I guess. I feel empty inside... always did even as a little kid.

I have a chest muscle that hurts behind my left breast, I think its from doing push-up like poses at yoga this afternoon. We had a wonderful workout. The class and instructor enjoyed the vigorous poses.

Guess I'll go back to bed, I'm cold. I'm tired. I'm confused. I think I was abused as a kid and just put it all to the side all these years. I never did relationships, certainly never wanted children, always had crushes on women from a distance - unbeknownst unto them. I'm tired.