I'm tired

and ready to go to bed but waiting for washer and dryer to stop.

The run this morning and park afterwards was fine. Saw a lot of cute young girls...they are sweet to look at. I love the young ones with the cut off shorts, zipper open wide and panties showing. I love it! Adorable! Just adorable! Oh the little couples, so in love..it's cute!

Then too, I see more women my age seemingly growing more content to live alone and hang with friends. And I guess that is fine! Hey, I'm doing it. I think we just get more independent and we decide we do not like to bend or change things that are working for us. The thought actually stops me sometimes from making contacts on line. I want the fun and sex. So many people want someone to "be there for them". Do you know what that really means? It means you can be really giving up a lot and is a little sex worth all that? I should I take on another whole load of whines, whims, and woes. Hey, I'm a happy person....why should I take on negativity? Just call me when you want the sex? Or, I'll call you? What is so wrong with that? Can't we just be dating forever? Why would I want to share some one's pain? :) You can tell I'm not in love right now. Well, I am in a way, I still miss 05SL. Love is a wonderful thing for without it we would not put up with all the crap we do. And I know someone would be saying the exact same thing about me; because no two people are alike! There will be differences and compromises...thank god for love. And someone always loves more...and it's the one who loves the least of the two who gets their ways all the time. Because it wouldn't bother them to walk; there the other one "needs" her around more. I was always a pleas-er; of course, my ex would make that same statement. I thinks it funny actually that we are still friends. We just keep up where we left off when we see each other. It does make me sad sometimes. I get lonely and it was nice to always have someone there...but I needed so much more. I guess? I fell so in love with the doctor on Spring04. I needed love very badly. I was a mess. My 05SL was wonderful too! Now my world is empty....the void is getting bigger. If only I didn't give a crap, life would be so much more easier. No one appeals to me! No one! Not in person and not on line!

Although my heart aches. I am always analyzing and maybe I shouldn't even begin to try. I think a kid has to be shown love at home to know how to love. I was never shown love and my parents fought all the time. My brother tormented and beat on me. Our household was downright mean, cold and angry. I had no escape. I just had to wait it out until I got older, 21 and could leave.

So, I guess I am stuck with the feeling of this void in my heart. It's always there and I don't think it will every be filled because I don't know how to love. And even when I am in love, even deeply, I then get comfortable and forget how "alone" felt and crave my independence. I think partly because I am too cautious and afraid to be myself in a relationship.. well actually, it's impossible to be yourself in a relationship. I did a lot of things from my head not my heart. Many times I did things with her family and our friends that I really didn't feel like doing. Hey, but that is what being in a relationship is all about. That's the tough part, compromise. Either I want along or she went by herself and I was left behind.

I still can't do family and refuse. A friend recently asked me to come to a lake house while her and her immediate family would be there to ride bikes. I simply had to decline. I don't do families.

And it's such a wonderful feeling. Hell, it's worth all the pain right there, not be involved with family anymore. What freedom! What peace! Well, you can already tell that I don't miss them.

Love in, love out! You must put love out there in order to get it back. I see on TV where people are right there to go through their parents suffering. I had to distance myself. I couldn't take it anymore. The theatrics were Oscars quality..so much that it took me years to catch on to the performances.

Hm, I'm wondering if the parade is "rain or shine" tomorrow.. I guess that is up to individual discrimination regarding being wet or dry? Let's see I always keep jeans and long sleeves in the car. The high tomorrow is a predicted 79