It's okay - it is midnight and I am fidgeting and somewhat wide awake. Yes, caffeine effects my nerves and my stomach it seems this evening. After running it felt weird, almost nauseous yet I walked about four miles anyway with a friend.
There was about twenty of us there this evening ten women and ten guys. A fabulous group! Later J&T wanted to get something to eat so they, A & W and me went to Applebee's near by. We had a fun time. I love hanging out with these people.
A says. "I would rather date someone older rather than younger." She's 26. T who is 40 says she would date someone younger. I (and we all know how old I am) said that I would definitely date someone younger. The pickings are slim with the older crowd." So then the giggles and jokes became and it was fun. "Hey, they need to bring a physician's report with them. I don't want any sick ones. No walkers." Anyway, we were having fun! A giggles. I love her! She is precious!
I should have had children. This has been a weird life for me. First of all I'm born to cold, cruel, angry, Germans who fight all the time. A brother who punches me and half sister I will never really know and who I sense is jealous because I live with her mom. For sixteen years I thought she was my aunt; then my mother tells me she is my sister. My dad and brothers on two different occasions killed my dogs. One my dad beat to death and made me watch. I truly thought that I might be next. I lived in isolation there were no social services then. I was stuck and knew it and just had to wait it out.
I dated boys in high school and had crushes on girls that went undetected and hidden from myself and them. I so loved them but all in vain. I lived like this until I was forty. Then I suppose I choose wrong even though I still love her; we were friends. Sometimes in way, I married my mother. We had a tendency to pair up with the likes of familiarity even though it made be a little painful. But, now we are better friends than ever.
Growing up I felt out of it; alone. I didn't fit in with my family. I was an outsider in my own home. When I was 21 I moved out thinking I could move away from them; but, the guilt, shame and since of duty came with me. It was awful.
So, actually, the spring of 2005 was the best time in my life. I moved away from my family and didn't invite them to visit or; are you kidding. I didn't give them information so they could contact me. I'm done with them; they fucked me enough!
The spring of 2005 brought me the most wonderful love there could be. I truly loved her and still love her. She brought me life! Before that, the good doctor in the fall of 2004 saved my life with her caring hug. I missed her terribly too. I will always love her too!
Right now; today is the best day of my life. Thank you universe. I am happy, truly happy. I love the world and all its creatures. We are all connected. I believe we are all part of the big picture, the big bang and when it blew we all got split up and our hearts yearn to be re-connected again. Thus, the feeling of wanting and getting love.
So as I sit here fidgeting from too much caffeine today I am reflecting on my past and my life today.
Today is the greatest! I am learning so much. As I sit here my stem cells are making new bone marrow and new brain cells. Our minds create our bodies. In other words. Out thoughts make us who and how we are. Like I said..I'm in my 30's mentally, physically, emotionally, intellectually and best of all appearances. Yes, I look wonderful! I thank the universe. The universe loves me. Candace Perk in the DVD "How Far Down the Rabbit Hole Do You Want to Go" says our mind is very powerful and if we can believe strongly enough to transform our bodies. This works with people who have disease. So it is working with decreasing and reversing the aging process. I love this stuff. I love my mind and my body. I am learning so much. I thank the universe every day.
Cancer is the body response to clear out pollutants from the air and environment. Cancer is our immune system trying to fight off disease. It's only a matter of time before mutation occurs when a cell may go out of control and become cancerous. Our tumors responds to molecules of our emotions. Our bodies want to heal ourselves but our minds, our own thinking limits us. See, I'm ahead of the game and in tune with this knowledge. And it makes life so much more fun! Yes, I am truly in control!
Remember we are much more powerful than what we think. You see I missed out of my lesbian life during my 20's and 30's and even some of my 40's. I went it back to redo. Yes, it is possible. The universe is with me. My life has been renewed and is now filled with promise of love and happiness.
One more note: God and the universe please protect A at all times! Please? She lives in a bad neighborhood and I love her nearly and couldn't; simply couldn't handle it if anything happened to her.
I am fidgeting and I can't keep my eyes open; all at the same time! How that caffeine is some were stuff.
And I lost my cheese. I wanted to eat an apple and some slices of this good cheese I bought. And I cannot find the cheese in my refrigerator. What in the world happened to it. Did it get left in the store? In a store bag? I'll just get some more tomorrow I guess. Weird!
Well, it appears I may not get a lot of sleep to night, but who cares? I can nap tomorrow after I walk with Liz. I think I may take my golf clubs along and play a quite nine holes at the par 3. I received a coupon to play the first nine holes free for my birthday which occurs this month.
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