Short Night, Long Lecture!

I'm on the couch. Well, my stomach was bothering me so sitting up might be the best. It's 4:00 AM now. I hear the traffic building on the distance highway. It's so cool to be able to have my patio door open just a little to let the wonderfully cool night air in. My rottweiler sleeps snoring by my side on the floor. She loves it too! She likes longer walks now since it's cooler; she'll be bugging me early in the morning.

I love this time of the year; the beginning of fall. The nip in the air! Soon it will be "fire in the fireplace time" It always makes me feel romantic. I'll probably be alone though. And sometimes looking at what's out there; that might not be a bad thing.

The women I have been meeting really don't warm my heart. They want; but they have nothing to give! Actually, I'm beginning to like C more than L. I think I'll run on Thursday and not walk.

"Nerve growth factor" When we keep thinking about the same thing; we will therefore keep thinking about it even more because it becomes hardwired. We can develop certain attitudes that way. However, we can break habitual, usually negative, thoughts too, by stopping a thought process during the course of it existence.

Our body listens to what we think. I'm thirty! Didn't you know? Yeah, it's like riding a bicycle too. Well, just compare me to most of the woman my age. Oh that's depressing! But, it true! We are the ones who put limits on our abilities. We get a certain age and we think it is natural to be diseased and for our hips to spread out. Hey, it's not the bone structure; it's the fat you are allowing to form around it. I call it the "sitting" fat. If someone ran three miles each day that spread would shrink! The situation would reverse! So it's never too late to become more youthful and healthy.

I am in my thirties! Of course I am. I have made the effort to design a new life and each day I cultivate my thoughts to create the life I want. Anyone can do this, but most people stop the process too soon; they give up. We are lazy as human beings. Instead we need tenacity and to give thanks that we are alive and for what we have. Then concentrate on designing a new future for ourselves.

We have the power. We need to learn to harvest that power and allow it to work for us. I am creating my day, in my mind, as I type this. Here goes. I'll walk with my friend and painfully, at times, listen to her negative attitude. She's is stuck in her existence. She is a fine example of one who thinks a certain age should be a certain way. She thinks too relationship are keepers, no matter how painful they are. So see, we are very different. She is stuck. I believe in creating my own existence. She just needs to believe in change; whatever, she wants can come true. She just needs to want to change.

I"ll walk with her, then probably play nine holes at the par 3, sing and play my guitar, walk an errand, maybe do yoga poses before my yoga class in the evening.

Give yourself permission to do what you want in your life. I am becoming more youthful by the minute. I love my body; it's precious and wonderful and a beautiful gift. I'm witty, bright and intelligent and younger people enjoy my company and I love theirs. I am blessed and grateful.

I think life is precious and a wonderful adventure now that I spent it totally in the gay community and had ditched my negative thinking, back watered idea of a family. They are not my family. My friends are my family. Those people were just weird, painful and negative. They drained the very life out of me; my mother being the worse. I would rather be dead than ever associate with them again. I should have went away to college and moved away when I was very young. College life is more free and open to the gay community. But, my family, especially, my mother never pushed or encouraged me. They wanted me trapped their in the country to "care" for them. They never want be to be any more than what they had become. They held me back! I"m a lesbian and I have missed so much and my heart just aches like hell thinking about it so I can't think about it. These people robbed me of my life!

I'm alive now. My loves have saved my life but I missed out on so much so I am backing up to my thirties and redoing some of what I missed. Trust me! I will this and can do this. It's my reality - no one elses! No one will ever hold me captive again and drain my spirit. No one!