I was reading an article in the morning paper about women's sex-related problems and how doctors are interested in helping to rule out physical problems and then addressing the relationship.
I feel her presence around me like I did that day. Her strength! Like God, herself! How she made my heart beat and ache at the same time. She hugged me! I had no idea that she would actually hug me! The whole world hugged me when she held me. It was the most wonderful feeling in the world. My heart was so close to hers. Soon on the 20th, it will be two years since she held me. God, I loved her! I was emotionally dying inside only pretending to be alive and she helped heal my heart. She didn't know I was in love with her. I had fallen in love with her months before. I saw the sweetness in her. The gentleness and warmth. How I longed for sweetness and gentleness and warmth. Something that seemed so foreign. She was soft and feminine yet strong and wonderful with the power to health. She was God to me.
I asked is she could recommend a therapist that I was slipping out of my relationship. "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, what's wrong?" She asked.
"I met someone and I've fallen in love with her and I think about her all the time." I said.
"Are you seeing her?" She asked. "No"
I wouldn't say anymore. She waited and then handed a card to me. Her friends' card, a psychologist.
I said that I would see her.
She then reached up to shake my hand as she was getting up; but when she was standing decided to hug me instead. I felt her arms around me. I couldn't breath. My heart stopped. I never dreamed she would hug me. I wasn't prepared. Oh God my heart. In her arms - I could have died there. I wanted to be there forever. I probably sighed.
I wanted to put my arms around her but I was so afraid that I would hold her too tight..so lightly lifted them around.
There suddenly a vision of my mother clear as can be came into view - in color with dark shadows surrounding. She was angry looking. How dare I hug someone. How dare I not live for her and only do her beckon call. I suddenly became very angry and mentally pushed my mother's vision away. She disappeared. (all this while the good doctor was holding me close)
Then suddenly a huge dark figure of a shadow appears above the opposite side of me, my left side. I felt safe. He was telling me it's okay to tell her how you feel. It's okay. I just needed to tell her for some reason. (she's still holding me)
With my eyes closed I turned my face ever so slightly and kissed her cheek. I felt the sudden movement of her body. I startled her. When she moved I felt her long hair on my face so wonderfully silky and soft like her cheek.
I knew I should have never kissed her...but what I think really startled her was when I whispered. "It's you".
It took her all of two seconds to figure out and connect the tale to the kiss and she knew that it was her I thought about all the time.
Suddenly I felt her hands to my cheeks; her eyes very close I opened mine and looked deep into hers only for a second. She has the darkest deepest brown eyes I have ever seen. I got lost in them. I found that I couldn't meet her eyes and casted mine down. I knew I shouldn't love her; that it was all wrong and yet I did. I had nothing to offer and I knew my heart ached in vain.
It was then I heard her sign just a little she hugged me again. She felt my pain. She was very sweet, understanding and wonderful about the whole thing and for that I will love her forever. I found I kissed her other cheek as she held me. Then hands on my face, a very soft and tender kiss to my cheek and she said. "I can't do this." And she sat down and held her arms around herself, hugging herself. "It hurts my heart." She said.
I couldn't tell her that I was sorry. I wasn't sorry that I loved her. I wanted to jump down from where I was sitting and put my arms around her...but I knew I couldn't. I sat mostly kicking my foot slightly in frustration. I only said. "I'll see Sharon" and added "I'll get it fixed". God, my heart was bleeding out onto the floor. I hurt so much. I loved her so much.
She recovered and we went on. I tried too; my heart was bursting in my chest. She could have lectured me, but she was very kind to me. My heart will always love her. Now and again I think about her and hope she is doing well. My thoughts are with her; the woman who loved me that day and healed my dying heart; for I was truly dying. She brought me back to life; I felt so loved that day in her arms. God I needed that; I needed her to love me and she did.
I had thought only of her. I had gone there thinking I probably wouldn't not feel the same if I saw her after all these months. But, I did feel the same; nothing changed only grew stronger. She is very kind, down to earth, and the most caring person. She saved my life. On 9/20/04 she saved my life.
I didn't like my mother; but, from that day further, I couldn't stand to sit near my mother or be in the same room with her. If she sat next to me, I had the strongest urge to get up and out of the room. I had to flee! That was in the fall of 04. Christmas was short spent. I was only there for an hour. They were a little disturbed that I was late and shortly after they had to leave to visit someone. Which was fine with me. I drove back home. But then my neighbor was right there and wanted me to come back would see that I was home....so I couldn't stay home. So, I drove to visit Laverne, a cat I was taking care of while her lesbian parents were out of town.
My long term relationship end the middle of October 2004. We remain friends and live near one another. May 2005 was the last time I saw any of the members of my family, when my mother's husband died, I went. It was difficult. I could barely stand to be there. She played the room like a well conducted orchestra. Playing on sympathy. Even a woman ten years older than her was helping her walk down the hall. I had to get out of there.
I'll never forget it. It was like one phrase of my life had ended. I had have enough. I had never seen a bunch of self serving people in my life. My sister "Come ride with me. I don't want to drive there by myself." She was helpless and probably still is. My mother the same. Someone always had to help them. I had no life. Everyone else was more important, was the message I had received through the years. Where was my life? I had lived for family, society, ignorant church and ignorant government. I am a lesbian yet I lived pretending to be straight and a good straight daughter for years. They killed all desire for me to love and want children. I was so much more depressed than I realized. All my emotions were buried deep inside of me.
My 05SL. My 2005 summer love. Changed all that for me. She showed me passionate love. I was brought back to life. Emotions rose to the top. I wanted to live. We were only together a few months but her love lives on in my heart. After she went away I hurt for a year. But, she brought me life that I still feel today. I look at the world differently now. I still love her and always will. She was magical!
She and the good doctor....saved my life. I will love them both forever!
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