Loney

I always feel lonely after I have been busy doing things with my friends. I am very fortunate to have so many friends and I realize this. I am very grateful. You can never have too many friends or lovers. Oops! Minus the last item but working on it! I'm so due! It's tough with women; however, the target of my affections is becoming friendly? More comfortable, perhaps? It's tough. I think especially with women, feminine women. We are not use to taking charge with "pursuing" or "flirting" anyway I'm not. I could blow a kiss; it worked in the past. Got, it came so natural. I was very much in love. She was adorable! Just plain adorable, looking for her keys and they are sticking in the car door. Precious! Her giggle from the belly - just wonderful! I loved the little girl in her..so much I wished I knew her as a little girl. I would have been in my twenties.

However, we mature with age, not only physically but emotional and intellectually. I wasn't mature enough for her in my twenties I don't think. I have only begun to appreciate children now. She has taught me this I think.. or I have finally emotionally matured enough. Sometimes I think that I am preparing myself in this lifetime for the next lifetime when I will be born a lesbian again to a wonderful warm, loving, nuturing mother and then I will want to have children myself. I know this for a fact that if my mother would have just squeezed me and loved me and really wanted me, I would have wanted to have children. As it was, I felt an outsider, estranged and lonely. I guess I had no love to give then. I don't know it was all confusing feeling isolated, knowing I was different (gay) in a patriarchial staunch catholic society. Lonely and painful!

I ditched them all. I have completely changed my life style. I remain friends with my ex-partner of fifteen years. She is the only family that I have. Last weekend I met with my new maily in the park. Last weekend was Pride spent with many friends.

And this weekend with the holiday I have been very busy with bicycle riding, running, playing golf, going to the movies, swimming and I even saw some fireworks and met many new friends.

Tomorrow is Wednesday already and my friends want to play golf at Riverside and I will in lieu of yoga. I'll miss Teri and the yoga group. But, I can do yoga poses at home during the day just this week. I plan to return next week. My Tuesday afternoon class ended until September when it starts up again via the college regristration.

It's raining again. I love the rain and we need it desperately. Besides it's lowering the temperatures and by Thursday even the humidity should be much lower.

Life is good and I am very fortunate and I thank god and the universe for all of my blessings, good health, gifts of friends, wisdom, and activities.

I think the universe knows what would be good for me in the area of romance. I love to love and be loving. I miss it. But she needs to meet me half-way and the universe knows that.

I don't want to inmesh. I love my own space I'm sure my potential lover does too. Why can't we be lovers and see each other a lot but not live together.