I just can't let her go. Frankly, I don't want too. I want her to be in my heart. When she told me things, shared things with me back then; she made me feel needed. I meant it when I was loving to her. It did my heart good! I meant it when I said I would love her unconditionally forever. Well, god dang it, I'm stuck with those feelings and they won't go away. Wow, I felt needed for the first time and loving! I miss being physically close to her. Oh well! I''ll just have to hope she is okay. I just wanted to love her and be there for her. But, she doesn't need anyone..
I found that I loved feeling needed. I don't think I ever felt that way before and it made me feel whole somehow. I see life in a different way now.
I even see little kids in a different ways now...just how wonderful and precious they are. Funny, I see her eyes sometimes in their eyes. What in the world did she do to me?
Maybe it was a spiritual connection with me. I don't know?
What the hell happened to me when I met her?
All I know is that feeling love for someone and caring for someone is a wonderful thing and I am glad I can feel that way.
I'll just love her in my heart and wish good things for her.
She'll be fine! She's very smart, brilliant in fact. She has overcome so much. I am proud of her. She should be very proud of herself. She raised herself and I think learned not to trust or depend on anyone. I am really proud to have known her and loved her the way we loved each other for while. She was truly a gift for me. I think she saved my life then...for that I will love her forever. There will always be a part of my heart reserved just for her...
Was it that? Was it the intimacy we shared? Is that why I feel this way? Yes, but it was her heart too.
You know what? I loved her the minute I looked into her eyes when I first met her..or shortly thereafter when she was standing on the steps by the rail, where the group met. I'll never forget it. I did miss her when she went on that trip and I think I understood why she went. I think, but I'll never really know.
She so touched my heart when I learned her heart and saw it around kids. I was totally hooked when I watched her look for her keys and saw them sticking in the lock of the car door. And she giggled! Then I was totally gone! God, I loved her! So, blowing the kiss across the water came naturally. It just happened.
Oh well! She thinks I'm a freak! Oh well! I think I was meant to love her. I guess I blew that long time ago.
I never did understand the "I don't do relationships" statement. I always had those words in the back of my mind...so I knew the end would be coming even before it did. Is that why I made the end happen? The old self-fulfilled prophecy thing!
I'm sorry if I ever upset her or went against her wishes..and I know I did. I just want her to be okay, happy and feel loved. I am truly sorry I hurt her or made her mad.
It's okay if someone loves you.....you don't have to love them back. You don't have to feel obligated. I hope she knows that... I guess she does.
I remember long ago when guys would love me and I couldn't love them back. I just didn't get it. I couldn't understand their love for me. Who knows, maybe I'm still the same way. Maybe I'll always love the unobtainable because deep in my heart it's the only love I ever knew love - at a distance - unreachable.
As a kid my love was for anyone who was sweet to me...usually a young woman. If she was sweet to me, I instantly fell in love with her and daydreamed about her all the time...how she loved me. It was wonderful, pretending she loved me. It was the only love I knew. We get love the best way we can, I guess.
It makes me afraid, it's why I pushed 05SL away. She did love me I know and of all people I pushed her away. Oh well, it's all too late now. I'm sure she's okay and happy.. I hope so.
Or maybe she and I just deal with each other, the only way we can. Just little glimpses at a time. It just did my heart good to see her this evening. She touched my heart!
I wish she could talk to me..... I wish we could talk to each other.
I know she's happy and she is doing good...hell she did perfectly fine being on her own her whole life before she even knew me...how could I have made even a little crumb of a difference.
Stop thinking about her... she'll be fine. To her, I'm just someone to avoid, an annoyance!
It doesn't matter...she could walk up to me and pounce me in the gut and I still think I would care about her......because .. I think I understand her. I know she is done with me...she doesn't feel a thing for me.
God, what she does to my heart. I wish I could just hold her.. oh well!
Lou's the only one I talk to about her. She said maybe I should just let it go!
I can't! I mumbled something about - in time. All I know is that when I saw her for the first time, standing on those steps, and the moment I looked in her eyes.. I think I knew I was supposed to love her.
God, I am so insane! I must be nuts! She won't have to worry about me bothering her.. I won't. I'll just keep her in my heart and think about her from time to time..
She needs to feel proud of herself, if she doesn't. She needs to feel love for herself, if she doesn't because she has overcome so much and is doing very well for herself.
She needs to continue pulling herself upward and doing proud...
Somewhere somehow, I hope she knows I love her and I'm very sorry if I ever made her mad or hurt her. I won't bother her. I will respect her space and therefore her wishes.
I used to tell her I loved her.. all the time. God, I must have been a pest!
Good night 05SL. I'll dream sweet dreams about you.
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