50 years and more

A fellow rider and I were exchanging childhood histories while riding today. She's very quiet and sweet, so I knew before hand; I sensed it! That she had a troubled childhood. "Switched at birth for sure she thought. She never would have chosen such a disfunctional family." Niether would I have chosen mine. I don't miss them after more than a year of not seeing them. I'm free! So, she and I had similar (hers worse) lonely and frighten childhoods.

But, swapping stories only conjured up sad and depressed feelings and I had to try harder to sound happy if not be happy. I succeeded pretty well I think.

When I got my aching heart home I sat and pressed my hands to my chest and cried silently with tears falling and said. "It'll be okay." I repeated once again. "Things will be better." Once again! I"m been saying the same words now for 50 some years and I have not given up hope.

I missed the good doctor holding me close to her heart two years ago. I felt loved.

What hurts is that there is a Protective insurance ad in Time magazine and it's wonderful! A picture of a mother and small daughter sleeping; they both look very content and loved. The color of their hair is so alike that you can't tell where one leaves off from the other. It's shines like a sunset glow behind them warming the moment even more. It's beautiful! It's what love is. The mother is holding her little girl of about three or four to her chest with her arm around her so she received love and warmth from both sides. The little girl had gone to sleep I'm sure by listening to her mother's heartbeat and feeling content and safe with knowing her undoubting love. It reminds me and makes me sad. It's the love I never got and the emptiness remains. No one has filled that void. Not my mother. Certainly my ex didn't, I think maybe two needy people can't fix each other. I don't know. But she didn't have it to give either. Sometimes she was rather cold.

My therapist says that we have a tendency to drift toward familiar territory not realizing that we are replacing one hurtful situation with another. In other words my mother with my partner.

The good doctor held me close and touched my heart. She felt my pain and loved me if only for that moment. I miss her! I miss that feeling of wholeness.

I didn't have the empty feelings last summer either; but I think I blew that. It was so foreign to me and so wonderful subconsciously I pushed it away. I guess we gravitate towards pain pushing away unfamiliar wonderful feelings. I don't know why? And it hurts that I did that. I hope that I have learned an important lesson and never repeat the past.

I'll be better now. I'll take two S.A.M.E. I'll do yoga and then Ill join more "coupled" ladies who are happy. I'll be okay. The universe is with me I know. I have hope! I am such a mess. I in love with another young woman - maybe I am nuts!

I hope like hell that I'm learning something positive for my next life and that is the reason then that I do all this negative stuff to myself. Spiritual minded people say we choose our parents and our life experiences for a reason. So far, I'm confused and have no clue why I would do this to myself.

Born to a cold unfeeling mother, and there but absent father and cold, distance siblings that were just plain mean. Why would I do that to myself? Ending up suppressing all feeling when I should have been making love to young women like myself (not men) and possibly at least wanting to have babies. I denied myself of living and feeling.

It's all too late now and I can't go back and redo or re choose. So, I have to hope this life is a learning life for my super happy and loving next life. In my next life my mother will be like that mother in that insurance ad picture. And my heart won't hurt. And I"ll be emotionally and socially free to tell someone that I love them, even if they are of the same sex. And we will love each other very much and be happy with great love and most of all loving tenderness and affection.