It's a sad age?

In a gift store I saw a picture that made me a little sad. It was a too young girls lying on a bed in their underwear very sweetly holding each other and tenderly kissing lips. It touched my heart and it made me sad. I wanted to stare at the picture yet look away at the same time. Why did I have to miss all of that!

Sex, just isn't sex. You can't be in love with a woman and have sex with a man to compensate..it doesn't work that way. I have been so cheated out of true love in my life that I could die. I want to come back soon and try it again. I guarantee you I'll get it right next time because I will not allow the ignorance of people in this world to stand in my way.

I don't have the memories that I should have had from my youth, my teens, my twenties, my thirties. It is so sad! I just have this king size ache in my heart! And now it's too late!

I miss all that when I was their age. I missed it all. I buried those feelings; I had too. There were no lesbians, out anyway, when I was their age. The only ones I saw were the obvious bull dyke's in flannel, tattooed and either on Harley's or in pick-ups. Frankly, they scared me!

The two girls in the pictures were adorable; just adorable. They were so loving that it made my heart ache.

In a way it does my heart good and in a way it hurts like hell. I know that doesn't make sense. If I would die tomorrow, I wouldn't mind. I already have my next life planned. My mother will be beautiful and very loving. She'll love me very much and show me with hugs and kisses. She'll be nurturing and encouraging. She'll be the wind beneath my wings. She'll allow me to be me!

I"ll be a lesbian again, in my next life; but things will be different, I'll be kissing the sweet faces of girls at a very young age. No church, parents, family, society, or government will rob me of love and life ever again. How dare you declare you are "correct" and I am not! How dare you!

Never again, will I waste half my life because of ignorant family, society, the church or the government. Never again will I be cheated out of love and intimacy - never!

Oh I tried hard to be society's "normal" by dating men. But, In the end, the truth appears! The inner self that was suppressed, arises in wonder, glory and anger! And insistence!

Life is funny where I am concerned. I came out and went directly into a long term relationship which ended two years ago. We remain friends. We always were - good friends.

There was still that void to fill. I wanted to be madly in love. Creating my own reality, I did just that not once but twice in a two year period. Gee, I wonder what food supplement stirred those hormones. It's called life! I was time for a change. But you know what? I was just going through the motions for when I did finally, fall head over heels in love I never loved anyone more. She was the gift of life to me! It was meant to be just what it was, a beginning and an end.

Oh, I had crushes in my "straight" days on women but the women never found out how I truly felt. I was just a friend! We double dated. It sucked! The longing for a woman's touch made my heart ache!

Yes, I have regrets! In my next life, I just may come back as a very cute, very sweet and very smart lesbian and have the time of my life - beginning at a very young age. I will be true to myself and be my own person. I vow never to live life again for "others." Never!

People change, so I can't get those years back ever again. As women mature they get too practical, too much baggage comes along on the date: all the sorrow, the aches the pains. So many are much older than their years; and needlessly I might add. Age is an attitude - what's yours? (that would be great on a t-shirt). Oh it's hard dating now. Where's the careless giggles?

Age isn't a number, its a thought process. Unfortunately, I hear too many women much younger than myself, even, making themselves so much older than need be merely by their negative attitudes. They think that they are a certain chronological age therefore, maybe as their mother's or grandmother's appeared at that number, they think they should too! It's ridiculous!

There is time and it is time, to be knocked off my feet once again. Somewhere, somehow, there is someone out there with a youthful, carefree sense of humor and lots of love in her heart.

I want to be in love!