Hey, I'm on that diet I was talking about going on forever! My little tummy feels wonderful and flat when I take a deep breath and suck it in! I love doing the yoga pose, downward facing dog, because I can really feel my stomach muscles pull in and my stomach disappears and my chest is being up strong as are my upper arms and thighs.
I just finished a "free on demand" "Yoga for Golfers" and found that it consists of some of the yoga poses I have been doing already at my Tuesday afternoon and Wednesday evening classes.
I am not in a better place, since I have come to terms after analyzing my life status and realizing that young love is very doubtful. Besides I would just push her away anyway like I did 05SL (05 summer love) because I thought she could do better than me. I loved her dearly. My heart still aches if I think about her.. so I just can't think about her. There is nothing better on earth than being madly and in and making love to that person you are so madly in love with. I just could never get enough. I hurt her and I am very sorry. Maybe like her I don't get people and I don't do relationships.
But, I am in a place that I have to be in - denial! God, I have been doing this my all fucking life; denying and ignoring my want for women. In my 30's, while living the straight life, I desired women and never got the chance to love them or make love to them. Well, here the fuck I am again doing without. Doing without sex and love and the touch of a woman - not getting to know her heart. I'm very confused I want to love a younger woman because they are so sweet and not so bitter yet! There are so many woman out there around my age that are either emotionally or physically just not for me. So, I'll go to the annual float trip alone again. Oh who cares anyway.
Oh, I wouldn't know love anyway if it bit me on the ass. I never learned love as a kid. My mother never held me close to her heart and truly loved me. A kid can sense when a mother goes through the motions...a kid can sense it. I was isolated and felt alone. As much as I try I cannot get better; I can't get pass all that crap! I don't have the trust or maybe I need to receive more love than what I can give? I don't know? Anyway, all I know is that I blame myself for my failures! I should have been able to get pass it all! I should have choose better.
Or maybe I am just better off without love and the warm sweet affectionate touch of a woman. I needed and still need a very loving woman...or do I? See I'm all screwed up! Okay then, I'm ready to die now! I have been living my life for every one else's happiness and I'm fucking sick of it... it's my turn now! I think loving is giving..expectations. I don't know what I know. I'm tried of trying fruitlessly! There is no thing as loving compromise. There is no such thing as loving sweetness.
Just that doctor, how wonderfully sweet she was. She sensed I needed to be held (I was already so in love with her) close to her heart and she held me close to her heart and brought me back to life. It was so wonderful, that moment, that wonderful moment when I came back to life! So did my 05SL. They don't know how close to death I was before they came into my life.
Do you understand? It's my turn now! Personally, in all reality I think it's too late!
I'm tired of pretending I'm happy!
No, I'm happy! I've learned to love life and appreciate the bare necessities. I am most fortunate and I know it. I only feel guilty I guess for expecting more.
I want life to be magical! Like her embrace!
And it will be - magical because I am sitting here wanting it that way. The universe will grant me my wish. She will be beautiful, adorable and magical. Our time together will be wonderfully beautiful and magical!
Note: On Saturday July 15, 2006 I re-read this and decided that I sounded like an absolute whiner! Big Baby! But, I guess I just needed to vent that day.. I'm better now. Actually, I think the venting helped. Well, that is why I blog - to vent! It's like you are complaining about everything to someone and they are actually listening... but in all reality I know.. no one reads this stuff. But, still blogging helps! And yes, I do live in a fantasy world.. I have all my life! Dreaming is the reason I'm still alive!
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