A Bad Dream

I made myself wake up this morning. It was about 5:30 I was having a bad dream. It scared me. In the dream I was very little and my mother was very angry, yelling. I don't know why, but she was yelling. It froze my heart in grips of terror. And then I thought of you.

I wondered if maybe you were the one having the dream and our hearts were connected somehow. My heart ached, because if that were true, I wanted to comfort you by holding you. I miss holding you when you hurt. I hope you are not hurting, but I wonder if you are?

I thought about the other night when I saw you and I think we still have that connection somehow? Anyway, nothing has changed with my heart. It's still the same. Please don't worry, I won't bother you. I know you don't want me to.

People love you, you know. You are very lovable! There's the brilliant womanly side and then there is the very tender side of you that I adore. You tried very hard with me. I should have done better; looking back I see that I pushed you away with my own needs and regret that now. I was at a point once long ago, where you are now; and now, I am a totally different person. We do change as life moves us along; anyway, it did me. You maybe be totally different, however. You have had so much more going on than I. So much more! But, trust me I can understand a little bit I think. I'm always here if you need to talk.

From time to time, I wonder what is going on with you. I thought about you at about the time you wake up to start your day. I pray work is going well and not at all like last year. You of all people, did not deserve that kind of treatment. I had those difficult times too at a new job. It's very hard, some egos feel they have to throw their weight away to compensate for their unadmitted deficiencies and lack of self-confidence. Somehow, I think they have the idea that if they act like they know something, it will naturally comes across as they do. They are so wrong. But, you handled it well. I so admire you!

Anyway, I was just missing you. Somehow I felt you touch my hand this morning. You're totally done with me, I know. But, I was just thinking about you. Don't worry, I won't bother you. I was just thinking about you. Nothing has changed.

I have guitar lessons now on Tues, then get to the usual place around six. I don't call anyone. I just show up with my laptop in case no one is there. Last week there were about six people. I have been playing the guitar quite a bit lately and learning things. I like it. I only wait long enough for the pain in my fingertips to ease up and then I'm right back at it again.

Take care now. Take it easy on me okay? I'm not a threat, I'm a silent ally. I say little because I want to see you out from time to time. I don't want to push you away any further than I have already. I'm here for you, but I'll not ask anything of you.

Lately we have had tastes of spring; I hope we have an early one. I can't wait to get up early and get out on the trails and streets with my bicycle. I am so having a wonderful life now. I can't wait to sit outside at the park and write. I am so free! I'm free from them. Once in a while my ex stirs up pain within me. Still, she keeps me grounded. In a way, I depend on her. Right now, she is my closest ally. I think soon she will be moving to a place far away to be with her lover; I can tell group interest here is fading with her and her mind and heart are somewhere else. It's okay, I think she and I will always have a connection and be close friends. I hope you and I always do too. I know I'm assuming. I know that you do not feel a connection. I can tell you want nothing at all to do with me. You are "done" as we know who would say.

So ignore this stuff that I write and just think that it is for my own therapeutic reasons only; which, it is. It helps me! I can't talk to you any other way, I would only push you further away, if that's possible.

Don't stay away because of me. I promise, I won't bother you. You have made good and wonderful friends who care about you. You are a very lovble person and it's okay if you can't return the feeling.

Remember this stuff is just therapeutic for me. Not always but once in a while I think of you and it touches my heart. I am truly having a wonderful life now without any demands placed upon me; and without the guilt trips. I'm talking about family stuff.

I know I'm well because my creative side is beginning to show with the music and my writing. I look forward to more lessons in both. It's going to be a beautiful day I can feel it already.

I still think the universe brought us together for a reason and I hope we aren't totally "done". But you know what? Maybe we are! Maybe it just takes longer for me to let go. That is all this is about; my letting go. I know I must; and in my mind I already have. I don't expect anything. To me it's just odd that I just can't shake these feelings for you. I totally want to be my own person and the only way I can, is to totally be without attachment. Still, there are times I yearn to just hold you very close; remember, how I had to do that. Well, sometimes, my heart still aches for that long hug.

Other than that, I'm fine. Please take care and try to see when when you can; which, will be soon I hope!