Friday the 13th!

Was just thinking about you and how your kids must be today with it being the 13th and a full moon. I sense you are handling it quit well.

Emma walked very well this morning with little snooping. We go for a long walk in the morning. She is doing great with the stairs and all. She looked back at me as if she knows that I am talking about her. She's laying watch for the mailman. Glucosomine Chrondritin helps her tremendously I think. Purina puts it in the dog food but I give her one of my tablets everyday. I take it took, faithfully; along with a handful of other supplements. Gelatin for my hair and nails; running is especially rough on my toe nails. Shark liver oil capsules and oil in bottle/topically for my skin.

I just saw X go by, she should be home packing. I'm to take her to the airport in thirty minutes. Oh, I know she had a perscription to keep up!

I think I'm staying home this weekend and catching up on DVD's recorded TV, books to read - so many, guitar practice, yoga and writing. Let's see did I leave anything out. I'll run Saturday morning with the group and that is it.

I have been gone everything evening the past week and I'm ready. Once more, I have learned a very important lesson last Monday at the spirituality class. A woman, a minister, said that she conculted a channeled spirit regarding her mother's lack of love for her. She and her mother never got along. And she wondered why not? The spirit response was something to the effect that she picked out her mother to learn to love herself.

Well, I took this thought to heart. I told her from the time was was a small toddler, probably before the age of two. I remember being at my mother's knee and wanting her to pick me up and hold me. "You're too big to hold!" She said and not in a sweet voice either. My dad was sitting right there close by and even he noticed; but he never offered to pick me up either and hold me. But, I never expected it from him at all. I don't ever remember a time, now one, where he picked me up in his arms and held me. I just think he noticed I got the brush off, because I think he got the brush off too!

Anyway, that woman looked directly at me when she said this. The message was meant for me. She was merely the messenger. Pat was sitting there too and heard it and could nod in agreement. I said. "But I have this ache in my heart." and Pat said she does too.

But, since I have come to terms and understand and "LOVE" myself more than anything. I really don't have that ache anymore. Oh sometimes just a little bit, when I hope my X never really moves far away. Or, sometimes when I think about you. But, I know, I couldn't live with either one of you. I want so much to be my own person and the only way I can is to live alone with a dog!

I am wonderfully happy. I love my many friends. You especially and Teresa have a very special place in my heart. Because you were both there for me and that is why I am here for you if ever you should need me. I heart doesn't forget!
The universe, god and our spirit guides puts people in our lives who need to be there.

Recently I was looking for birthday cards for a friend. God, it's slim pickens at Walgreens..real bad! Anyway, I picked up this one card and on the cover was a redhead with a full head of thick curly head that went back like yours and about the same length, when you cut yours. I wondered if you looked like that at her age. I bought the card. It struck my heart, so I had to buy the card just to keep in a drawer to look at once in a while. Their is a little girl in all of us who never got their needs met and I am beginning to deal with my lack in a positive way. In fact, sent I ditch them all and am fabulously happy.

I only pray to my spirit guides that I never hear from them again!

Gotta to go the airport now.

Okay back from the airport, GNC and Sam's where I spent more than what I should have. I got a good buy on tiolet paper, paper towel, dog food, frozen fruit, big ass thing of red grapes (I like 'em frozen), vegetables, mixed spring lettuce mix, blackberries, yoga DVD with book and mat, Classical guitar CD, and a great rubber plant that was very reasonable and beautiful. Yes, I had some treats included for myself. At GNC I got women's, nail and hair supplements. Now, I need to stop buying I should get a hot water heater next.

Yesterday is was beautiful outside with temperatures in the 60's and today like a blizzard and bitterly cold. I opted to stay in today and probably will tomorrow night.

I need to play my guitar now. I must say I am truly happy and I am enjoying myself. My X and I talked on the way to the airport; her Fl girlfriend wants to move up here and in with her. She says she loves X. My X has decided she is enjoying living along (so am I - I love it). Isn't that funny! I am so glad I ended our living arrangement while we were still friends. We are good friends and can talk easily together. We do agree a lot on the same things, when it comes to relationships and monetary issues.

I'm glad that she is having a good time. I know that I am having fun doing what I enjoy doing. I think I have paid my dues to the church, society, and family. I'm living for me now; my most prized possession. I am not at all needy. I miss loving once in a while but the accompaning baggage is just too heavy. I still love my summer love. Too bad we just can't get together for sex. Now, I could do that because I don't want anyone around all the time. Dinner, desert, and desert; what's wrong with that? Nothing! We date one night a week and don't tell anyone; that way we can be around our friends without all of the damn questions.

Actually, my life is very private. I don't really have close relationships that I am not on the phone all the time with them. So, I could probably have that kind of a relationship with several women and just have a blast! Who says dating exclusively is required - not I! Of course, I'm lucky to find one to wants to date me; oh don't get me wrong, I could have probably many if I wasn't particular.

Most people want to be taken care of...now that scares the shit of out me. Because I'm all for independence. You take care of you and I take care of me; except if you are sick, hurt or have surgery, or your car breaks down and leaves you stranded. Just call me, I'll come get and deliver you to the destination of your choice.

Last night was slightly humorous at dance lessons; well, S wanted to be my partner because E was on the way. Then came C who said on Sunday, that she would be my partner; actually, she said it Saturday morning too. Okay, there's S & me and E dances then with C. They would probably make a cute couple. E misinterrupts things. I think C is a little disappointed, but I explained and she was okay with that. I hope she wasn't upset with me? But, S sort of lays it on thick with E when she leaves; which, in turn, will only lead E on more. I now it's complicated. I think when S leaves she is relieved, but really then shouldn't kiss and hug like she does...only leads E on.

I must say I LOVE the dance lessons! So cool. Who ever thought that I could lead the swing; it's been a life long daydream.

Speaking of daydreams; do you know I lived most of my life in daydreams. I am not kidding. Now, that is sad! But, you know what, lately I don't daydream, I do. As as long as I leave loving thoughts out of the picture I'm fine. I'm most happiest when I just think about myself. I life has sucked for years. I can't believe I looked like I looked; fat with very short hair. I look at the pictures and think, that is not me. I'm me now! When you saw me two Tuesday ago, that was me; especially when I first arrived at M's full of bull, that is me.

Thank you god, for waking me up! Thank you universe, god and my spirit guides for sending me Teresa in the spring of 2004 an then my summer love in 2005. Teresa literally saved my life! I still love her! I know it was right because the other day I wanted to see her; and as you know timing is everything. Well, the traffic lights, the weather, the sun, even her car window was down all perfect for us to smile at each other. And that was all I wanted. We both know; we both felt the connection. It was spiritual! I will always love her.

Same with my 2005 summer love! Don't you see it was magical. The moment I met her I loved her. She was what I needed and maybe me for her. I will always love her too. We have that connection now. I don't have to see you; I feel you. I felt your energy moments before you passed me on the highway the other night.







See it's all so complicated. Time to play a few tunes.