My only regret!

The women this evening at M's were talking about how early in their lives that they came out. It may me envious; I lead such a lonely longing life. Instead of enjoying a beautiful lovely girl, I ached. My heart ached all my life for what I knew I was missing.

And even when I was forty and did come out, I was not true to myself, I hooked up with the likes of my mother. She had the same personality as my mother, and not the least bit affectionate, I still ached. I was so slow to learn. I was so lost. Our relationship was never romantic or full of passtionate sex. Was I punishing myself for years of meaningless sex with men as trying to find my nich? I was allowing life to guide me instead of me guiding and controlling my life - no more

I am saddened that I am 58 and first coming into my own. Life has so many restrictions, if only we could love with our hearts as our hearts guide us. It's love for god sake, not murder!

Oops, I just got off this soap box; but it appears I'm right back on. Okay, here goes, but it true what I say. Between strict narrow minded hateful parents, the church and the government (especiallty the McCarthy era) homosexuals didn't stand a chance. We are god's creations and he makes no mistakes!

So, yes, I'm angry, but more sad for the years I wasted because I tried to make everyone else happy but myself - the family, church, and society. I buried my heart. My heart hurts.

But, you know, god, the universe, my spirit guides who have helped me so much recently and I know I am to meet someone very special in the next three months and sad memories willl be forgotten. I am a very loving, giving person. I love to love, so I know that the spirit world, the universe, Ramtha, Ezekiel, and god are on my side. She will be like me (to sum it up) and we will be very compatible in loving, showing affection, nurturing, caring, creative and athletic ways. She will be beautiful, feminine, slendar, generous with her heart, non-complaining, baggageless, no hang-ups, non-smoking, wise, healthy, self-sufficent and not needy. We will think alike, love alike, be maddy in love. We will cherish each other and respect each other. We will laugh and love a lot!

My spirit guides and others please send her my way for sure and soon.