I'm a mess

I need to get my ass out there and run; but it's so gloomy, overcasted, cold and windy. Guess I'll do it anyway.

I'm not in therapy right now so I have to make do. Actually, all the woman did was listen. One important thing she did do; however, was to let me know it was okay to separate, that I didn't owe anyone anything and I have no need to feel guilty. I was abused. I was not loved. But, nothing was my fault. And I do deserve to be loved. I guess those are huge accomplishments. I don't know.

I tried so hard to be perfect as kid so she would love me. Funny, I said she, not they? My dad was there; but not there, if you now what I mean. I didn't want his love. And now the thought of it; I really needed want my mother's love either. When I was a toddler she told me I was too big to hold...and that was it. They were all so cold!

It seems I tried very hard to be perfect to win love. Which only made me stumble across words, forget and mess up even more.

My ex through the years became a little like my mother by correcing me; then became impatient and stop correcting me and just let me stumble.

I'd get so frustrated and cry when I was a kid. I tried so hard. I thought if I was perfect someone would love me and fill this void. Funny, as an adult it's still there. Maybe the love as to come from within; I don't know.

I wish I had some one like Carmen (will I don't expect just like her, how she loves Shane) with loving hands that touch my face, and hair and sweet kisses to the forehead and cheeks; and hugs. It was alI I ever wanted; all I ever dreamed of, all I ever needed from anyone, my partner, but never got. My summer love was a little like that; she could be very sweet. In my heart I knew it would all go away, so I hurried it up it. I made a mistake.

I was talking to my ex today and after I got all the phone I cried, my heart hurt, because I couldn't remember USB or COPA or something else and she had to tell me. I tried hard, I tried really hard to be perfect; but I can't be.

I so miss the good doctor. She intuitively knew that I needed a hug and hugged me and kissed my cheek and touched my hair. I wasn't crying; maybe just a little sad. I never did cry. She just knew I needed some love, that's all. I miss the good doctor. Her hug was desparately received. I felt more love from her that day, in those few moments then I felt in an entire lifetime; or so it felt. Imade her heart hurt, she told me so. Mine hurt too. She saved my life that day, I was this close. And I will love her forever. I pray for her all the time. I miss her. Sometimes I run by her house to feel her spirit. One day I saw her, and she smiled back and after she passed by, I know she remembered me.

I need to run now.