Why am I so wide awake?

It's after 1:00 AM I should be sleeping so I can get up at 7:00 AM and run with the group in the park at 9:00 AM.

I didn't have anything with caffeine this evening, just a dose of my ex at poker. She's fine, she just makes me feel bad sometimes; but that's okay I'm on my own now and happy in my solitude. Weird, I just felt uneasy after they all left and I began cleaning up. Oh well, this too shall past.

I'm ready for quiet time tomorrow evening, where I can relax, read, play my guitar and get a little warmed up for Tuesday's 5:00 PM lesson with Robin. I'm looking forward to it. I have some specific questions and there are some special things that I want to learn how to do: Like play a song in another key; like strung chords and pick? I have been playing some songs like; just old cute little ones such as "I can't believe that your in love with me" and I can see while I play, only I play the lead notes more than I strung chronds. I love the words to the song. Anyway, I need to learn at lease six by heart: chords and words so I can play and sing by September for the annual float trip.

Sunday there is brunch at 10:00 AM for Tina and then L-Word viewing at N's. Monday I'll walk with Liz at 4:00 PM and then probably go straight to the Astrology thing at 7:00 PM and that should be cool.

I tried to get an appointment with the woman I know who channels a spirit named Ezekiel. Every once in a while I go there and he really nails me but he really doesn't do so good on my loves. for example regarding my summer love she said "nothing has changed". He said that in November; well, anyway, it was after all the emails was done cutting the ties. He probably could only read my aura and my feelings; because nothing has changed with me. I was trying to find out what was going on with her. It all remains a mystery.

Amazing the steps we take when the heart aches. I pray all the time, especially when I know that I'm going to see her. The desert night was really tough. I pray because I don't want to push her further away and I don't want her to think I'm a complete idiot. I want very badly to be able to speak to her. Oh well, it's too late I suppose; I believe that she is just plain done with me and doesn't want to know me any longer on any level.

I feel a special connection somehow and I hold on to this. I wish she felt that she could talk to me about things that trouble her; there was a time, a short time ago, that she could. I am here for her mind, body and spirit; I am here for her!

I know a lot of things trouble her like people and events. I guess I'm on that list now. I apologized and I would do anything to right the wrongs!

Oh well, seems every time I blog, I end up thinking and writing about her. I could write volumes. I guess it is therapy for me. I should be working on wirting my memoirs. I will be attending a writing class in April and learning some things about writing my life's story. I thought that I would get a head start and begin writing. I love to write. Lately almost each day I vow that I will read some books that I have to get pointers. I have "A Millions Pieces" by James Frey. He didn't even write with punctuation and it was published just that way. So amazing! There were no commas, semicolons or quotations mark surrounding dialogue. I was amazed. The story is about a drug addict hitting rock bottom and then getting himself cured. He rehab he refused all and any painkillers due to their possible addictiveness I guess; maybe he was punishing himself. Who knows, I haven't finished the book. But on a talk show he said he could take physical pain but not heart ache.

You know what? I had no sympathy for this man. Whose heart hasn't ached. I guess bottom line is - get your story out there and make some bucks! Saying this, again reminds me of my summer love; she writes beautifully with a clever, witty slant. I adore her!

Anyway, I can also say I haven't really had to tolerate much physical pain (thank god, the universe, and my spirit guides) but you know my heart has aches too for years and I now other people has had years of suffering that they didn't bring on themselves. Okay, sorry, I'm beginning to rant and rave.

So, I'm telling my story for what it is worth. I guess I just need to tell it. I have been journaling about it for years anyway.

Damn, it's 2:00 AM I have to get up in five hours.

Later.

I love you!