Was Just Thinking About You

Yeah, I was just thinking about you so I just wanted to say "hi". I hope you are doing well. I miss you! I would love to see you, please try to come by M's.

I'd call you but I'm afraid too. I'm afraid I would push you further away. I'm afraid that you just don't like me very much. So, I'm just glad whenever I get to see you and so is everyone else.

I really have to watch what I write or what I say because sometimes I think God, what if I sound like my mother. I would hate to sound like her and I would diffinitely hate to hear it myself. You don't like me a lot as it is, I certainly don't want you to hate me.

You know I can relate a bit to how you might be feeling about me. For example, I used to be so in love with one of my girlfriends and it used to piss me off royally when one of the guys would ask me out. It was not what my heart wanted at all. I wanted so to be with her and again, I was so afraid if I told her or let her know I would lose her altogether. Besides she would probably have gotten a kick out of telling everyone that I came on to her and it would have a truly broke my heart. Is nothing cherished?

I don't give my heart easily and when I do it's for a long long time if I'm with that person or not. It's amazing the hold you have on me. When I do see you my heart races or maybe if it isa few months from now I won't really care at all. I was almost getting over you when I did see you at M's last time. Sometimes all that extra work is not worth it; besides when should I be walking on egg shells all the time? I know why, because I understand you! And I love what I understand about you. I now relationships are hard.

But, then I think about you and my heart aches for you. I do truly care about you. I wish you would let me love you - it's just love. A kind thing. A good thing. Just come to me and let me put my arms around you. Put you head on my lap and let me kiss your forehead while you talk to me. I think I miss that the most. I felt honored you felt safe enough to talk to me. You are so in my heart. But, I need a little loving myself, I'm afraid.

My new friend last night said I was a good catch and she had dated older women in the past and this gives me hope. she and I had a great discussion and we both agree that in the spirit world there is no gender and no age. I would truly like to know her better. I should have talked to her more in depth on the way home; she tried, but at that time I was beat. I'm a introvert (you know that) and after so many hours of being social; well, trying to balance the crowds...well, with my x being there it was harder.

T&J and K (new) said they couldn't believe my x was my x. It kind of hurt me for her, because she is a good person. Anyway, yes, I agreed I'm more active. We all had fun together and that is the important thing.

I would like to see more of K, I think. We could talk easily together. She said she wasn't flirting when I looked surprised when she complimented me last Tuesday. If she said it once, last night, she said it four times; that I was a catch. She asked why I wasn't with someone. I will talk more about it with her the next time I see her. She already knows the T story. She asked me my story last week. She's very nice and that is good for my heart.

I think K too was sent by the spirit gods, just like L, T, and you were to teach me things. I know they had to send her so I would stop limiting myself. I was getting depressed. My friends, all of my friends, are wonderful wonderful people and I enjoy each and every one of them. I am truly blessed. But, I know that K has a message for me. I think I have learned a lot already. When she was twenty-seven she dated a forty-seven year old (she's about thirty-four now) and this woman is still very important to her even though the women now lives in California. In fact, she is the first person K calls when she as any news or any kind.

Now see, I would like that you wouldn't have to be with me all the time. But, you know I think K is in my life to teach me more than the "age" lesson, but to teach me to let you go. God, that makes me want to cry. But, you know what, I know you have no feelings for me what so ever at this point.

I meant everything I ever said to you and I do and will always love you unconditionally. If someday your feelings change, just know that in your heart. You always have a friend in me. See, we were meant to meet up to help each other last spring. You helped me tremenously, never forget that. I adore you for it. I so apreciate how you helped me move and put my furniture together. God, I love you. Where was I when you needed me when you were a kid? I wish I could have been there for you and that breaks my heart. Sometimes I have visions in my head about how things might have been and it makes me want to gather you up into my arms. I just want to hold and love that little girl in you.

God, I can picture you there sometimes in those troubled times and I wish I could have been there for you. I wondered what you would have done if I would have held you. God, that breaks my heart. If you would read this, it would probably make you mad that I wrote it. It would probably seem invasive, like taking your picture does.

Please try not to leave my life. How do I get word to you? How do I let you know how much I care? I'm afraid; I'm so afraid. Do I take the chance and call you and leave a message and say it would be nice if you came up to M's on Tuesday.

I know you have feelings. I know you have deep feelings. I see all sorts of emotions in your eyes. I know you have a big heart. Why do you keep yourself away. Why do you start all over again...don't do that. I don't think our time that we need to spend together is finished just quit yet.

Can't we just spend time together? Talk to me. You see if there is any thread of hope that my caring about you ... do you feel bad that you shared such things with me; the things you told me. You do feel bad that you had a weak moment and shared painful things with me. You see, I use to feel that way when people cared about me. I hated being vulnerable.

I want to be here for you. You know I love you. I was fine with you and your girlfriend wasn't I? God, when I think of you standing in the shadows of the kitchen alone watching me as I put my dish back together and talked to that guy. From the corner of my eye, I saw you there watching me. When you said good-bye, I think you were mad at me for leaving your life. I think we still have a connection of the hearts. And can't hold you and love you like I did and not still love you!

I think towards the end you were testing my love. How long would I hang in there for you? How long was my love - unconditional? See, I did go back on my word. I didn't mean to leave you forever, I just needed my own space for a bit. We should have talked. I know we love each other because we cannot talk to each other. We both have tender sensitive hearts and what we felt for each other was true and real and of course it hurts us.

I don't want you to leave my life. I want so much to see that little car zip by me again this week. You now I felt your energy come up from behind me before you past me. I felt your spirit. I felt your energy. I felt your love...

I should have told you I am so proud of you. I get the biggest charge out of you. You are brilliant, intelligent, quick witted, and parallel park like a champion. I so love you nearly. K had to lower her passenger window and asked me how she did and she had at least two years front and back. You, you were perfect and fast and in there ordering before I hit the door. You forgot and smiled real big when you saw me. You forgot for a moment that you were mad at me. You were glad to see me and I you!

Now you and the new K could really hit it off and yes, that would bother me some. She is very social, very bright and been everywhere with her job. She speaks well too. You know, maybe you should stay away.

Hmm, I'm beginning to wonder about my feelings..she is very easy to talk too. You are a bit like my x and I stamper and can't think because I feel under pressure sometimes around my x and you. I'm always on watch on edge and I can't relax but with K I can. Something for me to think about.

I have to reexamine my feelings maybe I hurt and feel more for the difficult ones; oh, let's say more complex personalities like you and L. K is very easy and I'm beginning to appreciate that. But, I can't think too much about her wanting to spend time with me, I just need to keep things casual. I'll just flirt a little at a time.

I'm not sure what I'm going to be like when I do see you. I know my heart will race. I have always loved out-of-reach hearts because love was never readily there for me when I was a kid. When I was a kid, I never felt loved and love was always just out of reach. My heart ached all the time, but I couldn't put a finger on it. I knew I had special feelings for women. I would get crushes and daydream about them all the time - and be happy. I must have looked dazed to other people. I lived in a fantasy world. Maybe K is here to add some reality. I truly need reality.

I truly need to be shown love, affection, sweetness, kindness. I'm talking Carmen from the L-word, hands on my face and touching me kindness. Real people are not like that..just name one of your friends that are? Okay, I have a couple for you already; let's see if I can remember their names..you were at their house new year's eve: Susan and Pat? Damn, I can't remember. Anyway all four girls were at Novak's the night she showed the L-Word. You called Casey; I was sitting right there.

If I keep writing like this, I'll get over you. It hurt when called someone else...god, I'm an idiot. See, there was something about your eyes, the first time that I looked into them. I knew you much better looking into your eyes right off the bat. I introducted myself. I asked what you did. I knew there was something going on by the short responses. You touched my heart.

I wish I could hold you...damn what is it about you that I love everything about you? And you know what? I wouldn't change a thing, because that is who you are and the same with me. I am who I am, I guess.

You know another thing I love about you...your patience. You never once corrected me or showed impatience. You know what? I think you are very loving and I mean that. Please come back?

Well, we'll see what this week brings. I hope the new girl likes me. I need somebody to like me; I need that pretty bad. I believe that the universe is right there with me and knows exactly what I need. K made me feel very good the other night. She hit the nail right on the head and cleared up some things about me that was bothering me. And I believe that that was no accident..there is a plan in hand.

I have to go now.. I love you....please know in your heart that you are always in my heart.