A Day of Enlightenment!

I think that we should always listen to what people have to say for it has been said that we are put in a place with others for reasons of enlightenment. Well, this evening I feel was just one of those special moments.

I would hestitate before I said this to anyone I know that was abused as a child; but in the spiritual realm it is thought that we choose our parents for reasons of learning. I believe this and members of my spirituality class believe it; one in particular. Her name is not important, but she is a minister who visited a channeler, in which a spirit spoke through. This person, a minister, did not get along with her mother and felt that her mother did not love her. She asked the spirit. "Well, then why did I choose this women to be my mother?" The spirits reply was. "So you would learn to love yourself!"

"But I feel a void here." I said pointing my heart. Another said. "We all do." Then I thought, well I didn't last summer. And somedays now, I don't. It's usually when I see her or hear people speak of her. She made a lasting imprint on my heart that one; there was just something special in everything about her.

Now, I had to only think about this for a second to realize this could be true in my case also; once more, I think that I have accomplished that lesson. I do love myself! I am very happy with myself. Sometimes I look in the mirror and "You are cute (regarding face and body)." After all, we have choosen how our bodies too! Actually, I guess I did good! I have always appreciated my many gifts. Sometimes I wish I had a better mind, but I believe I do okay. I'm not a real stickler for minute trivia and details. But, I understand many things grander scale. I get the big picture.

Anyway, what this woman said hit home to me and it all made sense. It's proven by the fact that I have always been self-sufficent and independent to the extreme. It was important to me to learn to things for myself; like change the oil in the car; which I did for awhile in my mid-thirties. Yes, I wanted to learn it all; well at the time I had a technicial job and I guess I thought I had to learn how to do everything that was available to me. I have never asked anyone for anything; oh, friends to help move but that's about it. I have never asked anything of my parents; that is how detached of them I wanted to be, even as a young person. And yes, I learned to love myself and did when I was away from the parental influence.

This evening at the spirituality class there was an astrologer, who confirmed our charts. I'm balanced, into beauty, my days are so filled that I need to make list. I am undecisive sometimes, but dependable. She went on to explain more about the pull and alignments of the planets and the effects of our psychi.

The group was grand and gracious and most enjoyable. There were moments of wit, wisdom and humor. At time the gal next to me and I had to hide our inappropriate giggles so, that our shoulders shook. I guess you had to be there; it was one of those moments, when a very sober, somber woman spoke of her birthday and knew the time she was born: 8:15 PM. "Oh, I remember, because that is when I wanted my cake." I guess it was just something we didn't expect out of her - she was so serious and quiet.

Anyway, as it was the pretty gal with the bare lower back when she sat, happened to have her birthday today; she was born at 9:10 PM. And she got to eat her cake at the time of her birth! As it was our facilitor had baked cupcakes. It was just special.

Yes, a very cool evening. And before that cool too, I walked with my friend and we then had dinner. She laughs at my jokes and therefore provokes me to try to be funnier yet; and witty I might add.

She asked about retirement advice and I had some to give. We made plans to meet again next Monday morning, a day she will be off.

Also, I made plans to join in another spirituality class beginning the 23rd for four weeks. I hope it's all women again. I know that's a little childish, but we twelve had great commodore and flow; where in previous classes with men included, it just didn't happen.

Yes, I am most fortunate and I do believe that I am here learning for myself and maybe a little for others too.

I had a wonderful learning summer; I learned so much about myself. I ran away too, just as in the past. I think I felt unworthy of love; her love.

I love thinking about her though. I remember one evening, leaving M's and the big pickup making a U turn in front of us, how naturally we took each other's hand. God, I loved you at that moment! I every way possible, I loved you. I can still feel your hand in mine, so soft.

I wish you haven't discarded me. I wish I had some place in your life. It almost felt natural, in a little unnatural way maybe - I don't know; but on desert night. If she made you happy, then I was happy for you. Besides, she said she was good at cleaning up - so I knew she was going to be a goner! How sweet it is!

But, then again, maybe I am all wrong; still, at the time, it was a pleasant thought. I'm just kidding. She's probably the one for you; you did look pretty cute together. Only you, more mature, wiser, lovelier.

That night. I think you looked at me as if you expected me to act differently. It was tough. But, I loved you in a different way that night; could you tell? I think you could.

Something I ate this evening is having an adverse reaction. Well, along with the cupcakes and M&M's and small square chocolates, sitting on the table in dishes; which I assumed the square chocolate to be carmel, perhaps. So, I popped the whole thing in my mouth. Not a good idea. I think it was chocolate covered catnip! I unlike my ex, quickly swallowed it. I guess I could have spit it into a napkins, the polite thing to do. The moment reminded me of my ex, and so much, that I might be forced to share it with her. At a moment like this, she would have made an ugly face and I would have held my hand out and she would have placed or sometimes spit it in my hand for me to get rid of. Yes, at times I was mother-like to her! Or if she had something on her place she didn't like, guess where it went - on my place. Guess, who cleaned up the cat and dog accidents? Guess who vacuumed exclusively, because she hated too?

Even though, It was my doing, it broke my heart when we split; because she cried and rubbed her eye so hard that it looked all red. I actually thought she did serious damage. I insisted on taking her to the emergency room. Upon speaking to the doctor she proceeds to tell Dr. Chow, that she cried her eye out. The doctor said. "I won't ask why."

Anyway it was a minor scratch and the doctor perscribed a creme and her eye was, thankfully, okay. But what tore my heart was that she said. "It was like it use to be." Yes, I took care of her. I mothered her.

Well, not as much as I was loving to you. You have an extra special place in my heart and I miss being loving to you. I truly miss that. I could gather in my arms now. I know, I know! "I'm done!" you say.

Well, I have to stop now, or I'm my happy content feeling will become a void. Try not to throw me away; it's only love.

I hope to see you tomorrow evening..just like last week; I just want to see you. You'r so good at parking in little places. I love you! One of these days we'll be more comfortable. I'm sorry if I hurt you. And I know you are done with me. I'm an ally; I think it's good to have an ally who loves you..if you ever need anything let me know.