Comforted..

I think blue is her favorite color. Anyway, I feel comforted now, I watched the video I had saved. I do at times, once in a while watch the video, when I need to hear her voice and see her. I feel comforted somehow doing so.

Oh, I was just feeling - not good! I don't really feel like going on the float trip in a month. I guess I'm depressed. I've been depressed for as long as I can remember, I guess.

Just kinda of feeling that life is slipping by. I feel like I'm on the outside looking in. I've given up. I don't want to be hurt anymore.

I'm all messed up but I'm trying to get help. I need to learn how to accept being loved. It seems even though I love, I push people away.

I don't know love. Just feel hollow inside. I loved her; the one in the video, because she held me very close and I felt very loved. She has a wonderful heart! I miss her very badly at times. I never knew that wonderful from-the-heart love, like that, and wonderful arms around me.

She cared for me. So when I'm down, I think of her and then I feel better.

I don't know, maybe things will get better but I'm losing hope. There is something wrong with me. It seems I can only love the unobtainable. I love them very much from afar. I long for them; but, they are unobtainable.

I still need to work on this trust problem that I have. Or is it that I just never knew love and always longed for it form a distance. As a kid I instantly fell for older girls who were sweet to me. I daydreamed and fell in love with TV and movie stars. Yeah, I was lonely. Pretty much alone most the time as a kid, left to cry as a baby. No socialization as a kid so everything scared me.

Now, I'm pretty much a one person person. I do best getting to know people on an individual basis while belonging to a large group. I do not open up easily.

I usually don't complain and keep things to myself. But sometimes it just gets hard.

I really don't have anything to complain about it's just that sometimes things could be a little more fulfilling.

It's me, I'm messed up! I've lived a life of make believe and pretended to be something I'm not - straight and happy.

It's hurts to think I could never be myself too, when growing up. I could never really love another young woman. I hide my feelings for fear of being found out and disappointing family, the church, government and society in general. No one at work ever knew the real me. I worked for forty years and no one ever knew the real me.

Anyway, I'm tired! I wish this woman all the blessings and happiness possible...she saved my life that day. She cared about me; she felt my pain. I miss her!

I miss 05SL too. I'm sorry if I ever hurt her or made her mad or went against her wishes. It's lame, but I don't know how to love and I truly loved her and wanted her very much. I miss her.

I think I'm just shit out of luck!

I'm tired! I'm tired of feeling empty. I want to go home... I want to go away..

I'll be better tomorrow....

I already have my next life planned. My mother will want me and love me very much! My mother will be like her, very sweet, loving, warm and nuturing and she'll hold me when I'm small on her chest and I'll go to sleep listening to her heart beat. And I won't be afraid because she will always be there for me ready to hold me and protect me and guide me and love me and I her.

I would like to come back as a lesbian again, only this time love those sweet young things when I'm young. I was so denied. I never got to celebrate the touch of them, their hearts, their sweetness. I think that hurts the most. I never got to feel their love or love them; hold them close. Their bodies so close to mine - never.

I will have babies too. When I was young enough to have them in this life, I surpressed all feelings of loving and wanting. I was just hollow. Empty. Now I so appreciate babies and young children. I think 05SL really helped me there. I love her very much for that.

I will have love and feel loved and be so ready to explore the world because I will have that love and support I was so cheated out of.

It feels better when I journal; some say it's good therapy. It is.

I'm tired now and I want to curl up with my pillow and hold her close to me. I miss her terribly the good doctor who saved my life. And my 05SL who gave me life and love.

It seemed everyone has love and can love.....