I'm a Mess..

No more XS Gear for me. Too much B12 or something. I am dragging today. I have no appetite or energy. I'm depressed.

Ezekiel said I should take small steps at a step to get this gal's attention so she knows that I really care about her.

I am afraid! I would just fuck it up anyway just like I fucked up the last relationship. I don't know how to love and I don't know how to receive love. I'm just plain fucked. I might as well just end it all. I'm sick of the torment! I'm sick of my heart aching day after day after year after year. I'm tired of it all! I never asked to be fucking kicked around and abused as a kid. It just fucked up my whole life. I hate those people! I could die today and not give a royal shit. In fact it would be a welcomed blessing!

I'm sick of listening to every one's fucking happy bull shit. I'm sick of not feeling loved and I can't do a damn thing about it. I just such a fucking mess!

And therapy is bullshit! They can't fix you; you have to fix your fucking self. And what if you can't; so you just go wandering through life dreaming of loving and being loved and knowing if it did happen you would fuck it up anyway and push her away!

I'm just plain sick of living. It's too hard! It's too hard! Please! I want to die!

Why did I have to be born to such idiots? They just fucked up my life!

I just don't have the energy.

Maybe tomorrow will be better.

I'm tired of pretending everything is okay, when everything just plain sucks.

I love her. I want to love her. I want to feel comfortable with her. I want her to love me. I want to be able to receive love as well as show and give love.

She's very sweet. She's so much like me in so many ways. But, she has confidence.

I think she is just being her friendly self and I am so desperate that I hang on to every crumb as if she cared for me. I don't think she gives me a second thought any other time. Why am I so fucking desperate? God please... I want to die. Please!

Who am I kidding. I am nothing special. What in the world would she ever see in me anyway?

I'm nothing but a pitiful fucking mess!

Here I go again falling for the unobtainable. Someone who will never love me in return. But, why wouldn't I. It's the only love I have ever known.

Can't I just die and just start all over again and be born to someone who wants me and loves me and holds and hugs me. And holds me! And doesn't push me away. And she'll nurture and love me and give me confidence and I'll go out into the world and love wonderful beautiful women and be happy and be able to give love and receive love. And I'll be so happy and my heart won't ache all the time.

And I won't fall in love with a doctor and tell her and make a fucking ass of myself. And I won't think of her all the time and my heart won't ache every moment. And I'll be normal.

And she'll love me and want me. No one has ever come to me and wanted to love me. I always went after them, the unobtainable. I'm a mess.

I'm so tried of it all.

I just want to sleep. There is peace in sleep and I can dream of her loving me.

I'm such a mess!

My life is so fucked. She'll never love me. And if she ever did I would fuck it up!

So why even try. I'm such a mess. I never asked for this. I want to die. I'm a mess.