A Fun Night!

My good friend and spirit guide Ezekiel had it pegged all along. He is so cool! Wednesday morning when I spoke to him as he was channeled through Jeanine he said we would be in a busy, fun, good spirits, no bad spirits place where people have fun (N's, the bar). And Thursday when I ran with her she said that she was meeting some people there (I knew them too, cool!).

She was sitting at the bar when I got there her hair down, all ready for the evening, her more butch self drinking a beer. I immediately compared this image with her hair up more feminine version. Amazing! She stirred a feeling within me. I liked it!

You should see her eyes, so big and expressive. In personality and spirit she is a lot like me in many ways and I think that is why we sort of hit if off. But in reality, she hits it off with a lot of people. I know I'm not special to her! Secretly and I hate to admit it (and here comes that heart pang) I'm not special to her. I know that!

But, that is not why we fall in love! We love out of the need to love or loneliness or a little bit of both and things never gotten so missed!

It was a good night, magical with lots of high energy. I think I missed drinking a little; I haven't for months. I liked the effects of the Margaritas. They free the spirit! So I opened my big mouth. Actually, after the fourth drink. Remember Ezekiel said give her hints. I did!

I adore her! She had this woman all over her, dominating her. I didn't mind; I loved watching her dance. She has about four woman interested in her now. "When it rains it pours". She said as if it was troubling some how, this unexpected juggling act.

She touched my heart, poor thing it's heck to be so popular. I drew her close and kiss her head and told her I adored her. It felt good drawing her near again feeling her curly, heavy with produce hair around my nose. "I love you!".

I might have scared her, but she handled it well. My four drinks and imagination might have told me she said she has to get used to the age difference.

What I love most is how she comes to me whereever we are. Ezekiel said she feels safe next to me. I love having her near. I'm sure she will separate from me now because I got too close and that will scare her or just put her off.

In my confusion over my feelings, I too am trying to dissever this situation. Most of the time in my life I had crushes on one woman or another. I love to love and dream of lying with them.

My heart aches and I think it draws pain from loves never seen in my youth. I always had crushes, always been gay but could never act on them. My feelings were deeply denied and hidden in a straight life. My feelings are just screaming to be acted on; to touch, to feel all those wonderful things I missed out on - and it hurts like hell! You can't get it back! Older women are in a different place I find - so practical, the real, the dead in spirit, so critical, so suspicious, so needy, so stooped, so bent and broken and gray. Oh my gosh! Let's just have fun for Christ's sake! There were some older women sitting there at tables staring like deer in headlights blank and evidently hating every moment.

I remember (even though horribly straight) Friday nights and fun, drink and laughter filled with meaningless sex for mere physical pleasure with him while aching for her.

And now that I had her last Summer I realized what I have missed all these years my aching heart just cries out with want. I'm bypassed and it's understood!

Maybe love is wasted on the young. I have no idea because I never had it then either; but, I know I treasure every soft touch, every hair strand, and every kiss I give (because I don't receive any in return).

I pray to Ezekiel, my spirit guides, and the universe not to allow me to die untouched and unkissed. Just one more time!

Just one more time! Let me love and be loved by a like minded being, youthful, someone I'm so in love with as head-over heels in love. Show me the magic! One more time, I beg of you. Give me something concrete to treasure and wrap my lips and arms around - one more time!

Let her come to me! It's a big order I know! But, maybe just one broken hearted, needing some TLC night, let her come to me for pure honest from-the-heart loving.

Just give me this! And then after that. I want to die and start all over again. I want to be reborn into the heart of a wonderful loving mother. My life filled with secured love and encouraged adventure into the unknown worlds of love and knowledge. I want to return as a lesbian again. I want more! And next time no one, no society, no parent, no family, no church, no government, no excuses - because I am loving with my heart alone. And I will love HER and she will know it and love me in return with deep passion and want!