Rock Bottom - I hit it! I've had enough!

Out of my whole life I have had three months of wonderful love and love making..that's it! 05sl! Even she didn't even love me!

What is the point of living? I hate this life! I want to die and start over! I want a decent loving mother. I want to feel love in my heart, like I"m being loved. I never had it!

I spent the first half of my life trying to be STRAIGHT for the, church government, family, and society.

I tried to please every one on earth it seems hoping for a speck of love in return! Now, I have had enough! I'm done with all of you!

Seems everyone else likes to rub in their wonderful sex lives in my face; although unintentionally I'm sure! It's most depressing. I just had to listen to my ex brag about getting some this weekend. Not fair!

I'm so tired of just being! And praying shit work!

And the hell with trying to keep a good attitude! It's all bullshit anyway!

I'm so tired of loving in vain! I'm so tired of falling in love with the wrong people!

I think that I have had enough! I'm ready to get out of here.

It's frustrating! I want to die. I wish I was dead!

I'm very tired of pretending everything is just fine when it sucks like hell!

I'm so sick of living I could puke!

Damn Christians, I hope you'll all happy! You just killed off another queer!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The above was at about 1:00 PM. After I had three espresso shots in my iced mocha grande and I didn't get up early enough to run.

It is now after 9:00 PM the same evening. I just had my running group fix. I ran with A, She is just a delight. I love her! She brightened my day. Little did she know how much I needed to see her sweet face this evening. I wish she were older and I could take her home with me. She's just perfect! Very cute, sensible and as sweet as can be. We are a lot alike in many ways. She makes me very happy and yet makes me sad. I hope to know her for a long time.

We went out to eat afterwards with the group. She looked for me and sat with me. She is very sweet.

So she brightened my sad day that I was having. Well, I wasn't doing too bad until L's sexual remark. She was never ever that affectionate with me in public. Never!

I wish I was dating someone but, I guess I'll be okay until I do begin to date.

I know that I must dream my lover to me. I did and I got her (well in my mind). She is extremely sweet. And it ends there!

She is precious - okay I'll leave it at that!

I'm still a little depressed!

Okay, it's 10:00 PM now and I just talked to my ex and I'm better now. I think it was the expresso caffeine causing my depression and irribility.

She did say. "you know you don't need to leave your family anything; you can give your money to any charity or whatever." So that made me feel better. I really don't want my family to have anything anyway... and they wouldn't ..not that I have anything to give. I don't.

It's just knowing that I am not condemned by my friends for not speaking to any of them in over a year! It was the best thing I ever did and should had done it long ago. I wish I didn't wait so long!