Magical?

I just read August 11th horoscope again..well it was true for Thursday and Saturday. I'm hanging onto this; it lightens my heart and gives me hope!

August 11 Social events might take up a lot of your time today, dear Libra. Don't be surprised if you meet more than one person who is in an academic field or who comes from far away, or both. Expect a lot of fascinating discussions! You might also spend some time running, biking, or otherwise exercising in the company of a friend, as fitness is on your mind now. Take care not to overdo it, and enjoy yourself.

I had a fabulous weekend..actually all week was good. I ran every day, I worked out on the weight machines every other day. I did yoga practically everyday and I sang and played my guitar which I am just about to do now.

But sometimes I just don't get people. I know "one" old weirdo out for attention who has to play stupid; well, maybe it's not all play. She has this sense of entitlement. She is manipulative. Anyway, I try to stay clear as best I can. I don't mean to complain, I just wonder why some people are so self-centered. Maybe she reminds me of my mother. She's stubborn, abstinent, ignorant, self-centered, narrow-minded and limits her abilities to get extreme pitiful attention. I can do without all of this so I will put it aside and think magical moments of bliss and happiness and love.. I refuse to further clutter my mind with such childishness and nonsense!

I sang and played for my ex (who has hear me before ) and for her girlfriend. I was confident enough and not nervous. I think I just don't care anymore who people are or what they think. In the end it all doesn't matter one bit.

I think I have reached another plateau in my life and that is one of freedom from fear of what someone may think of me. I have finally come to the realization that people are truly not any better than I am.

I think those feelings stem too from my childhood. "What will people think" was commonly heard escaping my mother's lips..so much that I thought everyone else was so much better than me. I learned at an early age that it was very important to please my mother, school teachers, priests, elders, ignorant and cold grandparents and parents and aunts and uncles and mean brother and sister, everyone except me! So, I derived that I could not be too important.

I tried so hard to please and second guess and you know that is very frustrating and it's hopelessly painful.

I drew to count on only myself and to love myself. I'm all I have! My ex is my family. I only confide in her, but not that often.

Actually, I think she and I have become closer since she had her girlfriend visit this weekend. Her girlfriend is nice.

My ex said she didn't want to live alone. My ex has a way of getting her needs met..she just does what she wants.

I don't get people. I lose myself in a relationship due to my childhood conditioning. I can't be myself when I don't know what that is! I have crushes on strangers...I'm crying out for help with these crushes I think.

I just want someone so badly to put her arms around me and love me..just hold me close to your heart and love me and really fear it. You know what? It will never happen, I already know.

Life is so strange yet all knowing and so predictable!

I'm going to sleep and dreaming of magical moments fills with love; she arms around me. Her kiss on my cheek. Her tender heart so close to mine. I miss her! I miss those few moments of sweetness that made me feel so loved. Actually, she was just feeling sorrow for me; but, it was love to me. It filled my heart, my crying heart.

I've wasted so many years, so many tears.

But, I'm good! I truly think you have to know and experience love as a child to know and experience love as an adult. I need to expect to be loved. Or, I need to recognize it. I'm working on it. I just ordered to books. I'm rather guessing at the titles..I'll do a more thorough report after I read them. One is something about "Learning how to expect love". The other is "learning how to be myself in a relationship".

See, these two are perfect and should be very enlightening for me.

Isn't it weird how our early childhood experiences effect the whole of our lives. Why not our teens, 20's, 30's and beyond? Why our childhood more than anything. Maybe it's because I was closer to being on my own from my 20's forward; although still under their influences. Parents can be a very bad experience rather than magical most of the time.